Fucking porgs.

I’m trying to make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs and you’re pulling wires and shit out of the dashboard on the Aluminum Falcon. I just got this hunk of junk back together!

This post contains a heap o’ spoilers, FYI.

Porgs. You bet your ass I would eat one. I would eat them all.

What is a porg? It’s like someone crossed a penguin with a gremlin they didn’t feed after midnight. They use their cuteness as a guilt trip tool because you wanted rotisserie Jedi Island chicken for dinner.

Chewbacca, after a hard day of maintaining the hyperdrive and mourning the loss of his life partner, just wants to kick back with a nice meal of spit-roasted porg. And the porg looks damn delicious too, cooking in its juices over the fire like that.

But noOOOoooooOOOoo, the damn porgs have to be all CGI anthropomorphic and shit. Giving Chewie the “please don’t eat us” cow eyes. Speaking of cows, I think I’ll have steak for dinner. Anyway, do you have any idea how many calories it takes each day to maintain a Wookie metabolism? Well, neither do I. But I bet it’s a shit ton. You think he’ll get that big eating bark and fucking moss? And look at Chewbacca’s teeth. Incisors, dammit! Big long sharp fucking teeth naturally selected by intergalactic evolution to rip porg flesh from porg bones!

No way porg are that smart. There is a reason the term “bird brain” exists. Have you spent any time around chickens? They are dumber than rocks. I imagine chickens and porgs alike spend most of their days thinking, Dammit, we’re fucking dumb. I wish someone would just eat us so we could end this cruel existence of epic dumbfuckery.

I guess someone felt bad about using a tauntaun for a shelter in The Empire Strikes Back and had to make up for it, because the vegan propaganda doesn’t end with Chewie making friends with a porg and taking him on interstellar adventures of blasting giant laser holes through the gooey torsos of every actually sentient member of The First Order they can find.

Beyond the porg roasting, Luke, when he’s not busy whining like space Caillou, goes right to the source to drink green milk from some giant Loch Ness dairy cow; it spills into his beard and is intended to gross us out. But I’m not falling for it, George Disney! I will drink the Nessie milk to wash down my porg dinner, damn you! I will glut myself on it!

Then there is the “hey we’re sentient too” racing horse cow thing that fuck up the party at StarTrump Casino for being exploited.

And don’t forget about the “we’re also sentient and by the way thanks for bringing death and destruction to our peaceful planet but we realize it’s not your fault cuz we’re sentient so we’re going to help save you” salt lick foxes.

Vegan as fuck, this movie is.

Now I know all sorts of piss babies are getting their alt-gamer-right-gate-Sargon-Milo penises bent out of shape over this movie. I mean, it’s pretty obvious the incels were misplacing their excrement over shirtless emo Chad Vader. Even I leaned over to my wife during that scene and said, “If Rey ends up fucking him, I’m gonna be pissed.”

But they also didn’t want the black guy fucking her, because cuck something. Not that she’s the savior of the galaxy with mega Force powers or anything, guys. All that matters to you is who she will fuck, and if it’s anyone but you, you’ll cry about it on Reddit.

I bet they’re equally pissed about Vice Admiral Jurassic Park Lady not actually deserving that mutiny and sacrificing herself to temporarily save the day. Because how dare it not be some rule-breaking renegade pilot have it right about battle strategy. I mean, he has a penis. He’s supposed to be right! Do I have to mansplain it to you?

I expect they don’t know what to make of the Finn and Rose romance, because Rose isn’t white. I imagine they’re okay with it because this means the white woman is going to friend zone the black guy, and thank Pale-Skinned Jesus for that. Speaking of Finn and Rose, did you notice their entire endeavor accomplished only one thing other than to make Benicio Del Toro wealthy? It was to free the race cows. And that makes it all worth the trip, because vegans.

For some, the movie is irredeemable because it’s not 90% white guys. It’s only a small percentage of good old Earth that has to slather itself in sunscreen. Strange that a galaxy far, far away might have similar variety in its demographic makeup.

The reasons why the man babies hate The Last Jedi are part of why I love it. Well, fucking laser swords and spaceships and Force choking and all that cool shit too. I thought it was as good as any of the other movies in the Star Wars franchise, as long as we agree that episodes I-III don’t exist. It’s campy and predictable and there are corny jokes, just like every other fucking Star Wars movie! That’s part of the charm.

I will see it again, and I’m going to be sure to eat chicken wings while I watch it.


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James S. Fell, MBA, writes for the Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Women’s Health, Men’s Health, AskMen, the Guardian, TIME Magazine and many other fine publications. His first book was published by Random House Canada in 2014. He is currently working on his next book, which is about life-changing moments.