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VOLUME II NOW AVAILABLE!

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I can’t believe I have to say this, but Nazis are bad.

Bad before World War II. Bad During. Still bad now.

There are no “very fine people” among them.

If you disagree, you won’t like my books. Also, fuck you.

Still here? Cool. Keep reading. Or just scroll down to the links and buy the fucking books.

 

Sh!t happens. Every day

 

Mae West was sent to jail for “corrupting the morals of youth” with her first Broadway play. When participation in the Hitler Youth became mandatory in Germany, groups of teen “pirates” rebelled. Muhammad Ali refused to “drop bombs and bullets on brown people” in Vietnam. A dog sled relay carried life-saving medicine 674 miles through –50 temperatures to rescue children dying from diphtheria. The Dionne Quintuplets were stolen by the Canadian government and displayed like zoo animals for profit. Indian princess Noor Inayat Khan was one of the most successful spies against the Nazis in World War II. A children’s television show called Caillou tortured parents for more than a decade . . .

Sh!t goes down every single day of the year, year after year. Sometimes it’s a battle that changes the course of history, other times it’s a life-saving medical advancement. Bravery is counter-balanced with cowardice. There is slavery and there is self-sacrifice. History is replete with deeds both noble and despicable. Some were motivated by greed, others generosity. Many dedicated themselves to the art of killing, while others focused their efforts on curing. There have been grave mistakes and moments of greatness. Confrontation and cooperation.

Early in the twentieth century Spanish philosopher George Santayana wrote, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” But history serves not just as a warning; it also offers encouragement. Humanity is not endless suck. There is inspiration to be found amidst the atrocities.

On This Day in History Sh!t Went Down Volume I and II will significantly expand your knowledge of world history in the most hilarious and profane way possible.

READ EXCERPTS FROM VOLUME I

READ EXCERPTS FROM VOLUME II

Excerpt from February 2, 1925

See this fuzzy boy? He was a good boy. A boy who risked his life to save many others in what became known as the 1925 Serum Run. His name was Balto and he was a Siberian Husky who led a team of sled dogs through horrific winter conditions into the remote town of Nome, Alaska carrying life-saving medicine to halt a diphtheria outbreak.

I’m Canadian and have done 10 kilometer (6.2 miles) runs in –30 Celsius (–22 Fahrenheit). It’s cold as fuck and frosts up the eyelashes so you can’t see for shit, and people call me crazy and they’re probably right about that. Anyway, for this tale it was –46C (–50F), because it was way the hell north at the edge of the Arctic Circle and the temperatures were at a 20-year low. Add in brutal winds, deep snow, and non-existent visibility and you really just want to stay home and drink whiskey.

But children were dying; the disease spreading.

The outbreak began in January, and the small town’s sole doctor sent a desperate telegram calling for aid. The nearest place that had serum that could halt the outbreak was located in Anchorage, but the engine on the only airplane that could fly it to Nome was frozen solid. Officials brainstormed and decided to send the serum north to the city of Nenana via train, where relays of mushers driving sled dog teams would take it 674 frozen-as-fuck miles west to Nome.

One-hundred-fifty dogs participated in the relay. Some of them died so children could live. Of more than 20 mushers, most of them Native Alaskans, several suffered frostbite. The trip was made in a record-breaking five-and-a-half days.

Norwegian musher Gunnar Kaasen and his Balto-led team made the final leg of the perilous journey. He was supposed to be the penultimate musher, but when he arrived at Point Safety at 2:00 a.m. he discovered his replacement was asleep, so he pressed on an additional 25 miles to Nome, arriving at 5:30 in the morning on February 2, 1925.

The serum was thawed and administered, and there were no further deaths. Kaasen and Balto became heroes. There is even a statue of Balto, who lived to be 14, in New York’s Central Park. Balto was indeed a good boy, but his public status was achieved via being the one to lead the final leg. The best boy on the perilous journey was Togo. Balto traveled 55 miles, but Togo, also a Siberian Husky, led a team for almost five times that distance. He ran a whopping 260 miles, almost 40% of the entire relay. And he was 12 years old!

Togo lived to be 16 and sired many puppies. One of his direct descendants, Diesel, starred as his multiple-great grandfather in a 2019 film titled Togo alongside bipedal actor Willem Dafoe. It’s an excellent movie. Have tissues ready.

Excerpt from October 25, 1944

Imagine this. It’s 1936 and you’re a teenager in Hitler’s Germany. Membership in the Hitler Youth has just become mandatory, but you say no fucking way because fuck that Nazi bullshit. What do you do? Answer: you become a pirate.

At the time, you were allowed to leave school at age 14, but if you were 17 you were going to get conscripted. If you stayed in school, you’d be forced into the Hitler Youth in order to be indoctrinated into Nazism and work to convert others into the murderous cult. Many young people quit school and formed their own resistance group called the Edelweiss Pirates, and they loved to punch Nazis.

Besides the whole allegiance to Hitler stuff, being in the Hitler Youth sucked. It was highly regimented fascist paramilitary bullshit and totally the death of fun. Hitler Youth was boys only; girls were made to be part of the League of German Girls. Edelweiss Pirates were all about freedom of expression and growing long hair and mixing genders and fucking up those Nazi punks.

They numbered in the thousands, and in addition to just enjoying being teens and playing that “degenerate” jazz and blues music and exploring their sexuality, they’d hunt down Hitler Youth patrols and beat the shit out of them on a regular basis. The pirate slogan was “Eternal War on the Hitler Youth.”

Before the war the pirates were seen as little more than an irritation, but during the war they did things such as gather up Allied propaganda dropped by airplanes and push it through people’s mailboxes to spread the word that Hitler was bad. They also helped German Army deserters disappear. They added sugar to the gas tanks of Nazi vehicles, pulled down Nazi flags, and even derailed munitions trains. On October 25, 1944, the Nazis finally took them seriously and Heinrich Himmler, Hitler’s right-hand man, ordered a crackdown. The following month, 13 people, many of them Edelweiss Pirates, were publicly hanged in Cologne.

The Nazi regime kept up the pressure on the Edelweiss Pirates, imprisoning many and even sending some to concentration camps, but their spirits would not be broken. History was unkind to the pirates, viewing them as criminals rather than a true resistance group. But efforts have been made to rehabilitate their image and view them as an important part of resistance to fascist authority during World War II.

Excerpt from November 2, 1932

Australia wants to kill you. Fucking spiders and snakes and crocodiles and goddamn dinosaur birds that can run 30mph and kick the shit out of you with their razor feet. In 1932 there was an emu invasion in Western Australia, so Australia sent in the military. The military lost.

 In World War I, Australia sent 10% of her population into battle, and 15% of those guys died. Half of those who didn’t get dead were either wounded, gassed, or taken prisoner. Many who made it home were told hey thanks here’s some farmland in the barely inhabitable ass end of Australia. Then there was a depression, a great one. Then the emus showed up.

 At least it wasn’t cassowaries. Cassowaries and emus are related, but the former are a lot heavier and way more pissed off. The emu will fight when necessary, and have injured and even killed people, but their greatest strength in this war was to run the fuck away. And yeah, they called it a war. The Great Emu War.

 Shell-shocked former soldiers were growing wheat and then 20,000 goddamn migrating emus showed up and started eating and fouling the crops and ripping apart the fences that kept the damn bunnies out. And then the bunnies that some asshole European brought over the previous century who then bred like rabbits started to eat everything too and the farmers were like I survived Gallipoli for this?

 The farmers, who were very familiar with the power of machineguns after having spent four years being shot at by them, asked the government, “Can we please have some fucking machineguns so we can kill these asshole birds?” The government didn’t want those guns in civilian hands because Australia is not America, so they sent in three soldiers and said to the farmers you have to feed and house them and pay for the ammo.

 The first battle in the war took place on November 2, 1932. The soldiers spotted about 50 emus and commenced blasting away like a Texan who believes the Second Amendment is the word of God. Unlike soldiers at Gallipoli, the birds did not bravely charge headlong into machinegun fire. They split off into small groups and ran the fuck away at top speed. Smart.

 They didn’t kill many, considering how many rounds were fired. Then they attempted to ambush the birds, but that didn’t work because the emus put out sentinels to watch for predators. Next the soldiers tried to mount the machineguns on a truck and chase down the emus, but the emus could outrun the truck over the rough ground. In the initial engagements they fired 2,500 rounds and killed only a couple hundred of the 20,000 emus. So much for one shot, one kill.

 After four days they gave up, and the emus kept invading and the farmers said come on please do something and the government tried again, and again their kill-to-bullet-use ratio was shit so they said fuck it let’s just build better fences.

Excerpt from February 16, 2019

Be a Don Cheadle not a Dave Chappelle” –Imani Gandy. Why? Because Chappelle believes one of the most marginalized groups on the planet should be made fun of. Conversely, on February 16, 2019, Don Cheadle hosted Saturday Night Live wearing a T-Shirt that read “PROTECT TRANS KIDS.”

Don didn’t say anything, just wore the shirt for a bit. The media said lots the next day, and so did social media. Much of the commentary was positive, but much was … not, because some folks love to hate trans people. They even build an identity around it, make it a cornerstone of their “comedy” act or put silly descriptors like “gender critical” in their online bios because they imagine that what is between a person’s legs is all that matters. Fuck those bigots, and enough about recent history. Let’s look way back, because trans people have existed for as long as people have existed.

The term transgender is new, but they are not. Records from ancient Mesopotamia, going back about 5,000 years, refer to priests of the goddess Inanna called gala that may have been trans. Graves from a few thousand years ago in Northern Iraq reveal burial rites that show they considered gender to be a spectrum. Archeologists discovered different funerary artifacts for men than for women, and also different offerings for a “third gender.”

In 2011 archeologists discovered a 5,000-year-old grave near Prague of a biological male buried with the funerary rites of a woman. In 5th century Lebanon a person assigned female at birth masculinized their name to Marinos and joined a monastery as a child, living the rest of his life as a man, not even revealing his sex (sex, not gender) after being falsely accused of fathering a child, but rather accepting three years of exile as punishment. His sex was only revealed upon his death.

Elagabalus served as Roman Emperor under the name Antoninus from 218 to 222 and was certainly trans. Contemporary Roman historian and statesman Casius Dio referred to Elagabalus with female pronouns. Legally, Hierocles was the wife of Elagabalus, but Dio wrote that the “husband of this woman [meaning Elagabalus] was Hierocles.” Dio wrote that Elagabalus preferred to be referred to as a wife and a queen, a lady not a lord. She dressed and adorned herself as a woman of the time, and reportedly offered a fortune to any surgeon who could give her a vagina. The Sanskrit epic Mahābhārata, written in India 2,300 years ago, tells the story of a trans man named Shikhandi.

 These stories are barely a sample. Across areas and eras trans and nonbinary people have lived and loved and been both accepted and maligned. The prevalence of hate is nonsensical. In 2018 Dr. Joshua Safer, Executive Director of the Center for Transgender Medicine at Mt. Sinai Hospital, said, “Being transgender is not a matter of choice. It is not a fad … it is generally an overwhelming sense that their gender is not the one on their birth certificate.”

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BUY VOLUME II

READ EXCERPTS FROM VOLUME II

Excerpt from November 2, 1932

Australia wants to kill you. Fucking spiders and snakes and crocodiles and goddamn dinosaur birds that can run 30mph and kick the shit out of you with their razor feet. In 1932 there was an emu invasion in Western Australia, so Australia sent in the military. The military lost.

 In World War I, Australia sent 10% of her population into battle, and 15% of those guys died. Half of those who didn’t get dead were either wounded, gassed, or taken prisoner. Many who made it home were told hey thanks here’s some farmland in the barely inhabitable ass end of Australia. Then there was a depression, a great one. Then the emus showed up.

 At least it wasn’t cassowaries. Cassowaries and emus are related, but the former are a lot heavier and way more pissed off. The emu will fight when necessary, and have injured and even killed people, but their greatest strength in this war was to run the fuck away. And yeah, they called it a war. The Great Emu War.

 Shell-shocked former soldiers were growing wheat and then 20,000 goddamn migrating emus showed up and started eating and fouling the crops and ripping apart the fences that kept the damn bunnies out. And then the bunnies that some asshole European brought over the previous century who then bred like rabbits started to eat everything too and the farmers were like I survived Gallipoli for this?

 The farmers, who were very familiar with the power of machineguns after having spent four years being shot at by them, asked the government, “Can we please have some fucking machineguns so we can kill these asshole birds?” The government didn’t want those guns in civilian hands because Australia is not America, so they sent in three soldiers and said to the farmers you have to feed and house them and pay for the ammo.

 The first battle in the war took place on November 2, 1932. The soldiers spotted about 50 emus and commenced blasting away like a Texan who believes the Second Amendment is the word of God. Unlike soldiers at Gallipoli, the birds did not bravely charge headlong into machinegun fire. They split off into small groups and ran the fuck away at top speed. Smart.

 They didn’t kill many, considering how many rounds were fired. Then they attempted to ambush the birds, but that didn’t work because the emus put out sentinels to watch for predators. Next the soldiers tried to mount the machineguns on a truck and chase down the emus, but the emus could outrun the truck over the rough ground. In the initial engagements they fired 2,500 rounds and killed only a couple hundred of the 20,000 emus. So much for one shot, one kill.

 After four days they gave up, and the emus kept invading and the farmers said come on please do something and the government tried again, and again their kill-to-bullet-use ratio was shit so they said fuck it let’s just build better fences.

Excerpt from February 16, 2019

Be a Don Cheadle not a Dave Chappelle” –Imani Gandy. Why? Because Chappelle believes one of the most marginalized groups on the planet should be made fun of. Conversely, on February 16, 2019, Don Cheadle hosted Saturday Night Live wearing a T-Shirt that read “PROTECT TRANS KIDS.”

Don didn’t say anything, just wore the shirt for a bit. The media said lots the next day, and so did social media. Much of the commentary was positive, but much was … not, because some folks love to hate trans people. They even build an identity around it, make it a cornerstone of their “comedy” act or put silly descriptors like “gender critical” in their online bios because they imagine that what is between a person’s legs is all that matters. Fuck those bigots, and enough about recent history. Let’s look way back, because trans people have existed for as long as people have existed.

The term transgender is new, but they are not. Records from ancient Mesopotamia, going back about 5,000 years, refer to priests of the goddess Inanna called gala that may have been trans. Graves from a few thousand years ago in Northern Iraq reveal burial rites that show they considered gender to be a spectrum. Archeologists discovered different funerary artifacts for men than for women, and also different offerings for a “third gender.”

In 2011 archeologists discovered a 5,000-year-old grave near Prague of a biological male buried with the funerary rites of a woman. In 5th century Lebanon a person assigned female at birth masculinized their name to Marinos and joined a monastery as a child, living the rest of his life as a man, not even revealing his sex (sex, not gender) after being falsely accused of fathering a child, but rather accepting three years of exile as punishment. His sex was only revealed upon his death.

Elagabalus served as Roman Emperor under the name Antoninus from 218 to 222 and was certainly trans. Contemporary Roman historian and statesman Casius Dio referred to Elagabalus with female pronouns. Legally, Hierocles was the wife of Elagabalus, but Dio wrote that the “husband of this woman [meaning Elagabalus] was Hierocles.” Dio wrote that Elagabalus preferred to be referred to as a wife and a queen, a lady not a lord. She dressed and adorned herself as a woman of the time, and reportedly offered a fortune to any surgeon who could give her a vagina. The Sanskrit epic Mahābhārata, written in India 2,300 years ago, tells the story of a trans man named Shikhandi.

 These stories are barely a sample. Across areas and eras trans and nonbinary people have lived and loved and been both accepted and maligned. The prevalence of hate is nonsensical. In 2018 Dr. Joshua Safer, Executive Director of the Center for Transgender Medicine at Mt. Sinai Hospital, said, “Being transgender is not a matter of choice. It is not a fad … it is generally an overwhelming sense that their gender is not the one on their birth certificate.”

READ EXCERPTS FROM VOLUME I

Excerpt from February 2, 1925

See this fuzzy boy? He was a good boy. A boy who risked his life to save many others in what became known as the 1925 Serum Run. His name was Balto and he was a Siberian Husky who led a team of sled dogs through horrific winter conditions into the remote town of Nome, Alaska carrying life-saving medicine to halt a diphtheria outbreak.

I’m Canadian and have done 10 kilometer (6.2 miles) runs in –30 Celsius (–22 Fahrenheit). It’s cold as fuck and frosts up the eyelashes so you can’t see for shit, and people call me crazy and they’re probably right about that. Anyway, for this tale it was –46C (–50F), because it was way the hell north at the edge of the Arctic Circle and the temperatures were at a 20-year low. Add in brutal winds, deep snow, and non-existent visibility and you really just want to stay home and drink whiskey.

But children were dying; the disease spreading.

The outbreak began in January, and the small town’s sole doctor sent a desperate telegram calling for aid. The nearest place that had serum that could halt the outbreak was located in Anchorage, but the engine on the only airplane that could fly it to Nome was frozen solid. Officials brainstormed and decided to send the serum north to the city of Nenana via train, where relays of mushers driving sled dog teams would take it 674 frozen-as-fuck miles west to Nome.

One-hundred-fifty dogs participated in the relay. Some of them died so children could live. Of more than 20 mushers, most of them Native Alaskans, several suffered frostbite. The trip was made in a record-breaking five-and-a-half days.

Norwegian musher Gunnar Kaasen and his Balto-led team made the final leg of the perilous journey. He was supposed to be the penultimate musher, but when he arrived at Point Safety at 2:00 a.m. he discovered his replacement was asleep, so he pressed on an additional 25 miles to Nome, arriving at 5:30 in the morning on February 2, 1925.

The serum was thawed and administered, and there were no further deaths. Kaasen and Balto became heroes. There is even a statue of Balto, who lived to be 14, in New York’s Central Park. Balto was indeed a good boy, but his public status was achieved via being the one to lead the final leg. The best boy on the perilous journey was Togo. Balto traveled 55 miles, but Togo, also a Siberian Husky, led a team for almost five times that distance. He ran a whopping 260 miles, almost 40% of the entire relay. And he was 12 years old!

Togo lived to be 16 and sired many puppies. One of his direct descendants, Diesel, starred as his multiple-great grandfather in a 2019 film titled Togo alongside bipedal actor Willem Dafoe. It’s an excellent movie. Have tissues ready.

Excerpt from October 25, 1944

Imagine this. It’s 1936 and you’re a teenager in Hitler’s Germany. Membership in the Hitler Youth has just become mandatory, but you say no fucking way because fuck that Nazi bullshit. What do you do? Answer: you become a pirate.

At the time, you were allowed to leave school at age 14, but if you were 17 you were going to get conscripted. If you stayed in school, you’d be forced into the Hitler Youth in order to be indoctrinated into Nazism and work to convert others into the murderous cult. Many young people quit school and formed their own resistance group called the Edelweiss Pirates, and they loved to punch Nazis.

Besides the whole allegiance to Hitler stuff, being in the Hitler Youth sucked. It was highly regimented fascist paramilitary bullshit and totally the death of fun. Hitler Youth was boys only; girls were made to be part of the League of German Girls. Edelweiss Pirates were all about freedom of expression and growing long hair and mixing genders and fucking up those Nazi punks.

They numbered in the thousands, and in addition to just enjoying being teens and playing that “degenerate” jazz and blues music and exploring their sexuality, they’d hunt down Hitler Youth patrols and beat the shit out of them on a regular basis. The pirate slogan was “Eternal War on the Hitler Youth.”

Before the war the pirates were seen as little more than an irritation, but during the war they did things such as gather up Allied propaganda dropped by airplanes and push it through people’s mailboxes to spread the word that Hitler was bad. They also helped German Army deserters disappear. They added sugar to the gas tanks of Nazi vehicles, pulled down Nazi flags, and even derailed munitions trains. On October 25, 1944, the Nazis finally took them seriously and Heinrich Himmler, Hitler’s right-hand man, ordered a crackdown. The following month, 13 people, many of them Edelweiss Pirates, were publicly hanged in Cologne.

The Nazi regime kept up the pressure on the Edelweiss Pirates, imprisoning many and even sending some to concentration camps, but their spirits would not be broken. History was unkind to the pirates, viewing them as criminals rather than a true resistance group. But efforts have been made to rehabilitate their image and view them as an important part of resistance to fascist authority during World War II.

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NOTE: VOLUME II IS NOT YET AVAILABLE IN TRADE PAPER.