Yesterday I published the nice, kind, gentle version of this and it fucking died. Barely anyone read it. So you asked for this, you fuckers.


All right motherfucker, listen up.

Bitch, you need to get your ass in gear.

Cuz this is some serious shit you’re in.

D stands for death, and it’s coming for you. It’s coming for us all.

Exercise is one of the few good tools we have for delaying that bastard.

Fuck the idea of lying in a hospital bed with tubes in orifices.

Get your ass in gear.

Hike a fucking mountain.

I don’t care if you do CrossFit.

Just get moving in some way that makes the heart, lungs and muscles work.

Keep going until you dirt nap.

Learn to suck it up on the days you don’t want to.


Never stop. Never fucking stop. When should you stop? Fucking never.

Okay, you can stop when you’re dead.

Perhaps the last year before you die you can stop, and do all sorts of cool drugs and lie in your LazyBoy recliner while watching The Price is Right and Jim Beam yourself into the fucking grave.

Quitting before then is a bad idea.

Realize that quitting is habit forming.


Take charge of the situation and do what you can.

Until that day comes

V. Fuck. I forgot about the letter V. Ah, fuck it. Continuing on …

When you can do more.

Xiphoid process: it’s located at the lower part of the sternum, and you need to work your ass off so it feels like it’s going to burst out of your chest.

You need to go and not stop. You need to find something that works for you. You need to lift some heavy shit, paddle some fucking rapids, climbs some fucking hills, shoot some fucking pucks, kick some fucking balls and run like a fucking

Zebra that’s being chased by a pack of fucking lions.


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James S. Fell is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for and a regular contributor to Men’s Health.