And lo, man* arrived upon the earth, and looked down, and was pleased.
Impressed with the magnificence of his member, he wished to share it with the world, but the Lord came unto him and said, “Dude, careful with the ‘came unto’ stuff with that thing.
And man was all like, “You’re not the boss of me.” And the Lord was like, “Whatev, dick.” But! Imagining some owners of such dangly genitalia might be willing to listen to reasonable advice, the Lord compiled a round number of polite suggestions for not being a total asshat with that thing located slightly north of man’s ass.
And thus, the Word of the Penis was spoken.
1. Thou Shalt Seek Consent
As mighty and wonderful and joy-giving as thy member may be, recall the prophetic words of dear Uncle Ben: “With great power comes great responsibility.” While there are undoubtedly fellow humans o’er the land legally desirous of having your jizzstick betwixt their nethers (or other pleasurable places), there are those who prefer to refrain. Be considerate and responsible, sharing thy trouser trout only with those who have welcomed its presence. Verily, it is critical to acknowledge that consent for entry of thy member into another can be rescinded at any time. There is no such thing as a right to finish what you started. I, the Lord, hast given unto thee two hands. Should it be necessary, choose one and finish the job yourself.
2. Thou Shalt Not Reveal Thy Member to Those Who Do Not Wish to View It
Verily, as fine a member as it is, there are those who would not wish to view such a wonderful specimen of erectile and ejaculatory ability. Don’t just whip that puppy out whenever the urge takes thee. Rather, ensure the ocular recipient’s desire is concordant with such an act. This goes for the electronic sending of dick selfies too, brah.
3. Thou Shalt Not Treat the World as Thy Urinal
Whence thou hast drunken the milk of paradise, it’s gotta go somewhere. Alas, thy ability to remain erect (not that kind) whilst relieving the contents of thy bladder is another one of those Uncle Ben things. Thou art responsible for not making this planet which I created for thee a puddle of piss. Relieve thyself with care for the nasal passages of thy fellow creatures. Also, keep the 2ndCommandment by ensuring thy liquid evacuation is not witnessed by those who do not wish it.
4. Thou Shalt Take Responsibility for the Products of Thy Loins
Thou canst not fire that gun o’er creation and care not for where thy bullets land. Unless mutual agreements have been reached to disavow said trouser trophies as a mere donation of sperm, thou must endeavor mightily to contribute to the necessities of the life thou hast helped create.
5. Thou Shalt Not Consider Woman to Be Thy Incubator Against Her Will
Listen up, fuckface. Yes, I’m calling you fuckface if you’re the type of guy who thinks just because he blew a load in someone and a pregnancy resulted that you have any say as to whether that tiny spec of cells gets carried to term. “Oh, that’s not fair! The child is half mine and she needs to bear it for me!” Fuck you. You shot a wad of jizz. She would have to grow another person inside for several months then give birth to it in blood and pain. It’s not even remotely close to the same thing. You cannot force a woman to be an incubator for your sperm. If biological fatherhood is your desire, find a woman who willingly consents to partnering with you on that endeavor.
6. Thou Shalt Not Repeatedly Ask Thy Partner if Thy Member Is Big Enough
If they’re with you, it’s big enough.
7. Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Regarding Where Thy Member Has Been Nor any Diseases It Carries
Honesty in fornication is important for the health of all involved. If thou engaged in genital contact with another, it is important that thou be honest in thy tales of these interactions and the viruses or bacteria thy member hast come into contact with. Actually, this commandment applies to everyone, regardless of what’s between their legs.
8. Thou Shalt Not Bestow Magical Orgasmic Properties Upon Thy Penis
It doesn’t always do the job all by itself. In fact, it rarely does. Yeah, I admit it. Just because I’m God doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I fucked up a bit with the design regarding the way some things fit together. But I gave thee tongues and fingers and the cognitive reasoning to create technology that vibrates. Don’t be afraid to use them.
9. Thou Shalt Not Blame Thy Bad Decisions on Thy Member
Thou art not a stegosaurus. I, the creator of all, know that there was only one brain placed in the human body, and ‘twas not located between thy legs. The big head is the only one capable of cognition, and thou hast the ability to overrule any desires stemming from thy smaller head.
*Author’s Note: They say write what you know. I am a cisgender male writing this for other cisgender males. No offense or exclusion intended. Also, thanks to Carrie and friends for the suggestions on this piece.
James S. Fell, MBA, writes for the Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Women’s Health, Men’s Health, AskMen, the Guardian, TIME Magazine and many other fine publications. His first book was published by Random House Canada in 2014. He is currently working on his next book, which is about life-changing moments.