It takes more than a Y chromosome and a pair of testicles to be a man. You need to be a male man. An alpha male man.

And you can’t be an alpha male man without having the “alpha male body.” How do you get such a body? You need to watch this video.

An alpha male body is “rock hard, ripped and muscular.” It is a “specific power physique that naturally attracts women and demands respect from other men.” The video has “new behavioral research” that says you can achieve …

alpha male status

You get all that, plus some alpha male man firing an assault rifle, in the first 19 seconds of the video. That’s alpha as fuck.

The video also says you can achieve alpha male status “No matter how tall, short, fat, thin, young or old you are.” You’re 5 foot 2? Forget all that research about how tall guys are more successful in work and relationships, because the alpha male physique makes that irrelevant. You’re 65 and want to bang hot college girls? This video is for you because “Recent breakthroughs prove there is a little known and well-guarded shortcut” that will drop decades from your birth certificate. Shitty genetics? Don’t sweat it. This training protocol is proven to transform your beta DNA into alpha DNA.

Fat is embarrassing, right? Fat is so not alpha. This video gets you to “Torch off embarrassing fat and develop the exact masculine muscle shape that silently signals to everyone around you that you …


How did they learn this? From studying the men who have the “highest concentrations of alpha male physiques.” You guessed it: “the elite operators of the world’s special forces units.”

Sorry for making you wait 30 seconds to hear gunfire again.

Sorry for making you wait 30 seconds to hear gunfire again.

And you know this program will work because it was developed by “the leader of Canada’s most elite SWAT team.” You want to know why Canada has such a low crime rate? Because our SWAT teams are so badass that criminals shit their pants in fear and decide to get jobs instead. Our SWAT teams are battle-hardened alpha males who have proven their alpha male status in numerous combat situations, like that time a German Shepherd got out of his owner’s yard and barked at someone, and the other time a teenager made nunchuks out of some dowling, chain and eye screws he bought at Home Depot.

This Canadian SWAT team leader will teach you all about the …

alpha shape effect

It has a trademark, so you know it’s badass. What are you waiting for? Break out your credit card you pussy beta! Don’t you want that alpha male physique that “Women are naturally drawn to, and other men subconsciously respect and bow down to”?

Wait, what are those men doing when they bow down? I thought this was about getting chicks. Anyway …

Sgt. Todd Lamb of the Greater Victoria Emergency Response team will teach you the “Alpha Shape Effect” so you will have the kind of physique that commands the room.

Victoria is such a badass place that it’s nickname is the city of “the newly wed and nearly dead.” Its nickname has “dead” in it! That is so fucking alpha! Hell, the last time I was in Victoria I almost died. And I was born in that city too, and I’m pretty fucking alpha, so it stands to reason that a tactical team member for a place renowned for its gardens and high tea would be alpha as fuck.

Just so you know, “Lamb” isn’t Sgt. Todd’s real last name. He had to tone it down to that of a wimpy farm animal to not freak out the alpha wannabes watching his video. If they knew his real name – Super Sgt. Todd Monster Lion Cock – their puny beta testicles would explode from the testosterone surge.

Alas, not everyone appreciates the Alpha Shape Effect™, which is why pussy beta reporter Keith Vass wrote this article about some “controversy” regarding the video for Chek News. The article states: “Police Chief Bob Downie and Mayor Richard Atwell declined further comment.” Declined comment? Those guys are a couple more pussy betas for not endorsing the shit out of this SpecForce Alpha video. How much you wanna bet none of those guys have an alpha male physique? How much you want to bet they don’t command the room despite them holding the two most important offices in the city?

You want to be alpha as fuck? You want to have the alpha male physique that allows you to dominate the room and have people bow down to your testosterone-oozing, muscle-bulging, embarrassing-fat eliminated torso? Go watch the video.

Razor to remove all your pussy beta chest hair not included.

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James S. Fell is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for and a regular contributor to Men’s Health.