I watched my wife suffer through a punishing undergraduate program in biochemistry, study her ass off for her medical school entrance exams, do year-round medical school for three years, and then finish it all off with two years of non-stop sleep deprivation known as a family medicine residency.

Why would anyone want to do that? More importantly, why would you ever want to listen to anyone who went through such an experience? The entire time was just one big indoctrination period by Big Pharma. MDs don’t know shit.

These days, the real truth about everything from autism to oil pulling is to be found only by getting advice from a GMD: Google Medical Doctor. I’m here to tell you how you too can become a highly respected GMD in seven easy steps.


Step 1: Develop a smug sense of superiority

Medical doctors have been known to have a god complex, and since being a GMD is so much better than being a measly MD you need to get your King of Gods complex going. Practice this by looking in the mirror and saying the following:

  • “Doctors don’t know everything.”
  • “Doctors only treat illnesses, not people.”
  • “Doctors make their money by keeping you sick.”
  • “Doctors are grown in vats by our reptilian overlords.”


Step 2: Realize that accredited education is for elitist sheeple

Higher education is such a scam, what with its prerequisites and entrance exams and course work and having to go to class and write and even pass exams to display your competency and prove that you’ve acquired knowledge. All that knowledge is crap anyway. Taught by a corrupt system of PhDs, which stands for Piled Higher and Deeper.

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All the real education to be found these days is on Google U. And don’t let anyone tell you that the GMD isn’t a respected designation. Jenny McCarthy proudly touts her degree from the University of Google and she’s one of the most well endowed known autism researchers around.


Step 3: Ensure you have the proper prerequisites

Any two of the following are required to enroll in the University of Google Medical School:

  • Giving birth.
  • Possessing a tin foil hat.
  • Having your chakras aligned some time in the last ever.
  • Following David Avocado Wolfe on Facebook.
  • Quoting Mercola in a debate.


Step 4: Choose your core courses

The University of Google offers a rich array of courses to fulfill your GMD degree requirements, such as:

  • Cancer Cures 101, with special guest instructors Cheech and Chong.
  • How to Detox with Products Sold Via Multi-Level Marketing.
  • The Vaccine Holocaust: Why Dr. Paul Offit is Worse than Hitler.
  • Oils: They’re Essential!
  • Build Your Autism Cure Kit with Clorox.
  • Logical Fallacies: How to Quote Them Without Understanding What They Mean.


Step 5: Select a major

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The University of Google offers a number of exciting majors, such as:

  • Meme Sharing
  • Mom Blogging
  • Fear Mongering
  • Trolling
  • Advanced Trolling
  • Extremely Advanced Trolling


Step 6: Facebook Practicum

During your Facebook practicum you’ll be expected to start a page to begin sharing the amazing, totally not bullshit medical advice you’ve learned during your tenure at the University of Google. You’ll be evaluated on your ability to steal inspiring quotes and images and place your watermark over them to drive traffic, as well as to inspire fear and distrust of the Medical-Industrial Complex and Big Pharma. Ensure that you set up your affiliate program with Amazon for selling all your healthy alternatives to those nasty, GMO-riddled and totally not organic baby panda molesting products that you’ve inspired people to distrust.


Step 7: Profit!

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James S. Fell is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for AskMen.com and a regular contributor to Men’s Health.