In the days before smartphones and Google, you had to memorize shit.

On Wednesday nights in 1994 I was often to be found at the grad student lounge at the University of Calgary, along with my fellow graduate students, who were also doing a master’s in history program. We were there because it was trivia night, and we kicked ass.

The team that came in second won a jug of beer and a regular order of nachos. First place was two jugs and large nachos. We were poor students; we were motivated to win, and we often did.

When we lost, one sick fuck in the group always ordered “battery acid” hot wings as a consolation prize. These are the type of wings where all you can taste is pain.

It didn’t stop me from eating them.

And then, the regret.

Draft beer + nuclear hellfire wings = a rough night followed by a much worse morning. Johnny Cash knows what I’m talking about.

Since then I’ve become more enamored with teriyaki wings, because I don’t like being able to shit through the eye of a needle. I’ll give you the (little bit) hot recipe as well, because sometimes I make them, but the teriyaki ones are better.

They’re also fattening as fuck.

Between the skin, the frying, and the baste, these suckers hit the sugar, fat and salt trifecta that makes the reward centers in your brain light up like the fourth of July. High caloric density + super yummy taste =  you shoving them into your facehole with reckless abandon. That’s why I don’t make them very often.

Yes, you can eat these as part of an overall calorie-restricted diet. But realize that it’s a treat and not a staple. *mutters something about sanctimonious people arguing semantics trying to prove how smart they are on Facebook*

Anyway, let’s make these fuckers.

You need:

  • Chicken wings (duh)
  • Half cup of white flour
  • A couple of tablespoons of butter
  • A few tablespoons of olive oil
  • Kikkoman teriyaki baste and glaze

That last one is important. Yeah, there are other thick teriyaki bastes you can buy, but it you can’t find this one then it sucks to be you. It’s the only one I’ll put in my motherfucking cheeseburgers too.

Cutting the Wings
You know sometimes you buy wings and they have that useless little pointy tip still attached? Who the hell would think I would want that? What am I paying you for? Cut that shit off for me. There is zero meat on that part. You’re just leaving it on to drive the weight up and make more money, aren’t you? Ass monkey.

Cutting the wings sucks. It sucks for me, because I have no skill at cutting. That’s why I get Craig to carve up the motherfucking turkey.

If you have some kind of Rainman finesse with a knife you can slide that knife easily right through the joint to separate the wings into their individual bits for easy nomming. But if you’re like me, finding that joint is like a teenager trying to find the G spot.

So here’s what I do: I brute force that shit.

I get out my Henckel 5 Star big ass home defense knife and sharpen it up good with my diamond-impregnated sharpening steel. (I don’t care what universe you’re from, impregnating things with diamonds is cool.)

And then I gingerly slide the gigantic and sharp blade between the two pieces of chicken wings, trying the find that sweet spot between the joint, and 90% of the time I can’t find it and yell, “Fuck you, motherfucker!” and chop that bitch in half right through the goddamn bone.

Your results may vary.

Cooking the Wings
Anyway, throw the oil and butter into a frying pan on just above medium heat. Roll the fuck-dammit-cut-you-fuck-you-stupid-joint-fuck-you-fuck-fuck wings through the flour and fry them in the pan until they’re nicely brown on both sides.

Preheat oven to 350 and spray a cookie sheet, lay the wings on the cookie sheet.

I’ve made these damn wings about forty-eleven times before I figured this trick out. I literally discovered an easier way to do this just last night. I’m a little slow sometimes.

What I used to do was individually pour a dab of teriyaki baste on the top each individual wing then brush it around. It’s slow. It’s messy, it rolls off the side and gets on the cookie sheet instead. You don’t get good coverage. I am dumb.

Last night, in a flash of “There is a better fucking way, you moron!” I poured the teriyaki sauce into a bowl, dabbed the brush in the bowl and then spread it on the wings. Well that worked a fuck-ton better. Do it that way.

If you want them hot, use Louisiana hot sauce. I don’t get the popularity of Franks. Must be all the marketing they do. Louisiana is much better.

Bake for 10 minutes at 350. Turn them all over, brush with teriyaki (or shake with Louisiana hot sauce), and bake for another 10 minutes.

Shove in face hole.

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James S. Fell, MBA, CSCS, is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for and a regular contributor to Men’s Health.