This is not a pep talk. This is a “What the fuck, America?”
I guess the polls are looking pretty good, but don’t fuck it up, okay? Don’t think not Satan has this election in the bag and stay home on November 8. Get out there and vote against that amoral Cheeto-coated sexually assaulting game show host jizz monkey with daddy money.
Yesterday the New York Times published a pieced entitled “Sympathetic Canadians Have a Message for Americans: You Guys Are Great!”
Yeah, whatever. Only some of you are great. Some are chugging Milwaukee’s Best while doing 80 miles per hour through a residential area in a Ford F-250 up on two lift-kitted wheels while they blast apart Clinton posters with a 12-guage autoloader. And don’t forget the bumper sticker.
I know the “message for Americans” bullshit wasn’t well received in all corners. I agree that this “pep talk” was some “condescending bullshit.”
So let me give it to you straight. This is what I, as a Canadian, think of what’s going on.
I’m scared shitless.
I’m less scared than I was because of recent polls, but shit always has the ability to go sideways with some weird chaos theory fuckery. Three weeks is still enough time for everything to go to hell, because reasons. And by hell I mean Trump in charge of atomic weapons and we all die in a crispy fried nuclear hellfire kind of hell.
The only white house Trump should be let near is one that has padded cells, huggie jackets, plenty of Thorozine, a nice little room where they attach electrodes to your head, and the word “asylum” in the title.
I honestly don’t know how you let it get this far. But now it is “this far,” so I’ll repeat: Do. Not. Fuck. This. Up.
Before I get to the self-centered stuff, I want to write some things that may seem like a pep talk, but it’s not.
See, I do care about you guys. Not all of you guys, but a lot of you. I think many of you are pretty awesome. Over 60% of the readers to my website and followers of my Facebook page are American, and I’m honored that places like the Chicago Tribune and Los Angeles Times have given me regular columns. You guys gave us The Simpsons and we gave you Caillou. You gave us Aerosmith and we gave you Nickelback. We also sent Bieber and Celine and, for some reason, you still decided not to nuke us.
Motherfucking Caillou. That alone was worth lobbing a few hundred megatons across the border.
Because of my work I meet and get to know a lot of Americans and call many of them friends. I genuinely like a lot of you folks.
And this election has been like looking at a close friend about to make a really bad relationship decision. I am friggin’ begging you to dump that guy, because if you continue to be with him it’s going to destroy you.
It’s probably going to destroy our friendship as well. That’s the self-centered part. Did you know that Canada is your second largest trading partner, just barely behind the entire European Union?
Even if the intercontinental earth-shattering-kaboom sticks don’t end up flying, Canada can’t be anywhere near as good of friends with a country run by that guy. And it’s not just us. Most countries will say, “Damn. We used to get along so well, but then she started dating this guy and it ruined the friendship.”
We may trash talk you a bit, but that’s what friends do. Most of us really do like you. You’re a fun place to visit and you make awesome TV and movies and music and food and porn and iPhones and plenty of other great stuff. You make good friends too. I like hanging out with you.
But I just don’t think we can hang much anymore if he’s in the picture.
It’s not you, it’s him. Please dump him. If you value yourself, and if you value our friendship, I will beg one more time.
A Concerned Canadian Who Hopes to Remain Your True Friend
James S. Fell is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for AskMen.com and a regular contributor to Men’s Health.