Genetics are the cause of thigh gap? Bah! That’s loser talk.

You’re not a loser, are you? You deserve that thigh gap, and anyone can get it, if they want it bad enough. Remember, nothing is more important than achieving the coveted thigh gap, so don’t let pain, puking, social life or disembowelment by a vicious meth-addled muskox get in your way.


Understanding the Biology of the Thigh Gap

The thigh gap is not about fat loss. It’s about testicles.

It’s rather simple. You need a massive pair of cojones to push those thighs apart. This is what really develops a manly thigh gap.


To grow those balls so they will push your thighs apart and give you the gap, you need to work the nutsack. Here are six of the best ball-expander workouts known to man.


1. The Biker Bar Challenge

Walk into a biker bar in your old Frankie Says Relax T-shirt, change the music to Lady Gaga, then stand up on the bar and yell out: “What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson? With the vacuum cleaner, the dirtbag in on the inside!”

Then go to the pool table and start pushing the balls around mid game “Because you guys suck at playing pool anyway.”


2. Crawl into the Hurt Locker

Step 1: Enlist in the armed forces of your choosing.

Step 2: Express specific interest in taking things that blow up and making them not blow up.

Step 3: Training.

Step 4: Dig up things that blow up, and attempt to make them not blow up. Every day until retirement, or until you get blow’d up.


3. Wrestle with a Wolverine

These suckers were just born pissed off.

I don’t think there is another creature on the planet who takes Captain Ahab’s last words so literally: “From hell’s heart, I stab at thee; for hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.”

These buggers are mean, and it takes a man with balls of solid rock to tackle one barehanded. Challenge one to a wrestling match and that thigh gap will soon be yours. Bonus bulging if the wolverine is on a meth bender.


4. Cross a Cartel

Go on down to Guadalajara, Mexico and steal a bunch of cocaine from the meanest cartel you can find. In the process, tell everyone you meet that, “Tacos suck.”


5. Steal a Baby Grizzly Bear

Find a female grizzly who recently gave birth, run up and poke her in the eye, say, “Nyah!” then grab one of her cubs and run like hell.


6. Eat at Denny’s

The horror … The horror …


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James S. Fell, CSCS, is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times and He is the author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada.