Hello, Bandwagon! Here I come to hop onto you for clicks.
Articles abound regarding exercises you should never do at the gym, because they’re, like, bad, and stuff. And this is another, because I only have your best interests at heart. I want you to be functional. And primal. And only do natural movements. And don’t forget be functional.
If you do any of these things, you’re totally dysfunctional. You’re … douchefunctional.
I know you want to walk in the gym, but you never should. This is because you want to walk over to that pretty little thing and start doing some unsolicited mansplaining to her about how she can better optimize her lifting technique. This is also known as douche waltzing, where you waltz on over and start acting like a douchebag by telling her the “right” way to exercise, because surely she could never figure this stuff out without your Y chromosome begotten wisdom to assist her.
This kind of walking is not functional, because the only function it serves is to tell her that you’re a douche.
2. Spine Blowers
If you workout at Planet Fitness then … well, I guess that’s okay … at least you’re working out, right? Anyway, at Planet Fitness you need to be especially on guard for anything that sounds like making an effort. In a regular gym that didn’t make up the term “lunk alarm” it’s still not a great idea to scream so loud that everyone else in the gym looks at you like you just blew out half a dozen lumbar discs.
Sure, put some effort into it and get your grunt on, but if your screams sound like you’re being circumcised with an epileptic wolverine, then that’s going too far.
3. Neck Crankers
Constantly cranking your neck to check out every pair of breasts and booty is not functional, but it is douchebagonal. Maybe you like it when your biceps are checked out, but some people are just there to exercise and not be stalked / drooled over. Show a little class, put it back in your pants, and save the leering for when you’re at home, alone, with your high-speed Internet connection.
4. Douche Curls
Say you go to a gym and it has forty-eleven squat racks and every single one is empty; surely it would be okay to do curls in the squat rack, no?
This is the epitome of douchebaggery. I have my own squat rack in my basement and I’d rather hock a loogie on the Mona Lisa than curl in there, because some things are just not done.
5. Shirt Lifters
Hey, good job on getting those abs. I know it’s a lot of hard work to attain the rippling midsection. Congratulations.
But when the spandex clad babe walks by, and you lift up that shirt to use the bottom of it to wipe away that imperceptible bit of sweat from your forehead, everyone knows the real reason you’re doing it. It’s not because there is any peril of you getting sweat in your eyes.
Cut that shit out. If you’re not careful someone might end up giving you your own reality TV show.
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James S. Fell is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune and author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada. He also interviews celebrities about their fitness stories for the Los Angeles Times, and is head fitness columnist for AskMen.com.