Much Ado About Stuffing
A Weight Loss Tale in Iambic Pentathlon
By James S. Fell
[row]
[column size=’1/2′]
There are those who would overcomplicate
All food groups that can be eaten and ate
Carbohydrates are bad, and fat is good
I’m afraid that’s wrong. No one ever should…
Consume something that has a mom or face
You must eat whole grains to run a fast race
Insulin and leptin and blood sugar
Do any diets say, “Eat a booger”?
There’s a doctor with a cookie diet
Can that be for real? I would not buy it
Weight loss comes from a magical berry
Brought to Earth by a mystical fairy
I saw it on a television show
A food that fights fat and makes your skin glow
Acai and Quinoa cleanse your pooper
Being hard to pronounce makes them super
Eat what you want and as much as you want
You won’t be fat. You’ll be lean! You’ll be gaunt!
Should we worry about HFCS?
What about BPA? I have a guess
Troglodytes never dreamt of a heaven
Offering pizza 24/7
Is fat genetic or gastronomic?
Environmental? Or subatomic?
Suess wrote, “One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish”
All contain mercury; eat as you wish
I saw his ad for a new weight loss pill
He’s a real customer; he’s not a shill
Before and after pictures never stop
With switched around heads using Photoshop
She tried to get on The Biggest Loser
Application rejected. They didn’t choose her
She bought products by Jillian Michaels
A better idea is: ride bicycles
Only 20 minutes, three times a week
Is guaranteed to make you strong and sleek
Buy a Bowflex or get a Nordic Track
It will take up space as your new coat rack
We’ve got calorie-burning underpants
Will they help you lose weight? It’s a slim chance
Don’t go running – it will damage your knees
That’s not how to get in shape, hear our please
[/column]
[column size=’1/2′]
Just lift weights. It boosts metabolism
This is known as the exercise schism
Up a single tree there are barks and cries
They don’t see the forest of epic size
Weight loss is easy. Here’s the solution
It is all so much mental pollution
You just have to eat less and move around
If it’s so simple, then why have we found
That obesity rates are on the rise
Could it be Weight Loss, Inc. is full of lies?
There aren’t quick fixes or miracle cures
Facts don’t use gimmicks, promotions and lures
There are honest people who want to help
They don’t sell diets that are mostly kelp
Doctors, trainers, counselors and RDs
There are experts who earn their fitness fees
But there is still struggle; one thing rings true
It’s going to take some effort from you
Stay away from the hospital gurney
Prepare yourself for a fitness journey
Ignore the weight loss fads, the frauds and quacks
Find your fitness Zen and push to the max
But not too fast, go slow and go steady
This isn’t a race; advance when ready
When exercise is fun you’ll likely find
That eating healthier is less a grind
You’ll do what Jack LaLanne oft-repeated:
If it’s been processed, you should not eat it
You’ll see food as fuel, rather than pleasure
You’ll feel good and have lower blood pressure
Throw out the scale. That should not be your goal
Focus instead on things that feed your soul
Yoga, Pilates, running and swimming
Skiing, dancing, bicycling and gym-ing
Leave the computer; go out in the sun
Forget burning calories; just have fun
There is one message that I must repeat
When changing the things that you do and eat
To overcome your old lifestyle hurdle
Don’t be a hare, be more of a turtle
Or a tortoise
[/column]